Grandparents: Navigating new parenting styles and ‘saying no’ to grandkids
Grandparents are an army of proxy-parents for many families, playing a vital role in raising the next generation. Yet sometimes as a grandparent, you may find that the parenting approaches you adopt don’t always line up with how your kids are raising your grandkids. This gap can feel hard to navigate, and it’s no wonder — parenting has changed over time shaped by research, diverse family types, and technology.
Parenting through the generations
Since the 1950s, our understanding of children’s development has advanced greatly. With easy access to information, today’s parents are more aware than ever of the impact their choices have on how children grow and develop. Yet this can feel daunting; every decision seems packed with weighty questions on what’s best for their child.
Likewise, family life has transformed. Families today take many shapes, with more blended families, LGBTQIA+ families, single parent households, and also single dads by choice. Many parents now face challenges like balancing work and family, managing rising housing costs, and navigating the demands of structured childcare.
Compared to the 1970s, children spend much less time playing outside or hanging out with friends. With more parents working outside the home, children’s days may be highly organised — a shift from the unsupervised, outdoor play that once characterised childhood. Similarly, more technology entered homes in the 1980s and 90s, but not at the level of screen time that today’s kids experience.
Why the shifting landscape?
We’ve learned that extremes in parenting — whether the hands-off permissive style or a strict authoritarian approach — can feel unbalanced for both kids and parents. Instead, the focus has shifted to an authoritative approach, where clear boundaries meet warmth and empathy. This style recognises children’s emotions, helping them feel understood while learning about rules and responsibilities.
What happens when grandparents face “no” moments?
A common concern for grandparents is knowing how to respond when their own beliefs differ from the parenting guidelines set by their children. Questions like, “Can I say no?” often come up, especially in situations where boundaries are tested.
Here are some ways to approach saying “no” in a way that respects both the child, your own lived experiences and wisdom, and the guidance set by parents. You may even find these strategies feel surprisingly familiar and trusted:
Give a reason – When you say “no,” explaining why can help the child understand, even if they don’t like the answer.
Stay consistent – Kids respond well to clarity, so sticking to your decision can help them trust and respect boundaries.
Redirect when you can – When toddlers face a “no,” their frustration can lead to tantrums. Tantrums at this age are normal, given that toddlers are still building emotional regulation and finding their words. Acknowledging their feelings can go a long way. A hug and saying something like, “I can see you’re feeling disappointed,” along with a quick distraction, can help shift things from disappointment to calm.
Offer constructive feedback – Praise moments of understanding. For example, you might say, “I really liked the way you handled that, when I said ‘no.’” This reinforces positive behaviour while teaching helpful ways of coping.
This approach helps children build skills like patience and self-regulation while supporting the important role of grandparents in families.
Setting up for success: reducing “no” moments
To make things easier, you can also try setting expectations before certain situations, like going to the store. For example:
Lay out ground rules – Before heading out, let your grandchild know what to expect. “We’re just picking up groceries today, so let’s save treats for another time.”
Say yes when you can – If it’s reasonable, finding a way to say “yes” can keep things positive. “Sure, your friend can come over after school if it’s okay with their parent.”
Negotiate, within reason – Sometimes, a “no” can become a “not right now.” For instance, “We can’t go to the park today, but we’ll make time tomorrow.”
The upside
While saying “no” isn’t easy, but it’s an opportunity to support the growth and independence of your grandkids — while helping them learn patience, emotional regulation, and empathy. Maybe this is part of your legacy as a grandparent?
Ready to connect?
If grandparenting is a chapter you’d like to explore further, why not start with a call?
References
Buchanan, A., & Rotkirch, A. (2018). Twenty-first century grandparents: global perspectives on changing roles and consequences. Contemporary Social Science, 13(2), 131-144, https://doi.org/10.1080/21582041.2018.1467034
Henry, H. K. M., & Borzekowski, D. L. G. (2011). The nag factor: A mixed-methodology study in the US of young children’s requests for advertised products. Journal of Children and Media, 5(3), 298-317. https://doi.org/10.1080/17482798.2011.584380
Sari, E. (2023). Multigenerational health perspectives: The role of grandparents’ influence in grandchildren’s wellbeing. International Journal of Public Health, 68. https://doi.org/10.3389/ijph.2023.1606292